Thursday, 7 October 2010

Fear of Gifts

What a week, sometimes being a Christian is just that, being a Christian, a person with faith. But then there are times that remind you that there's so much more to it than that. So much more available to us than just reading a book (okay, not just any old book, but you get the point), going to church and trying to live 'a good life'. We forget that the sheer ability to live 'a good life' is through a little old thing called the Holy Spirit that genuinely does live in us. Honestly I look at myself from two years ago, and know that in no way was that person heading towards where I am now, that person was heading to serial dating, lots of sex and loads more booze. Now I look at who I am and even having the audactity to try and attribute these changes to myself is ridiculous, the person I am now could only be created through intervention and looking after, exactly what the Spirit has done.

Now this is where it comes to the interesting part. This week has been mad and the Spirit has moved powerfully in me, and I got prophesied over, which is a very mad thing to have happen, especially when it's far too accurate for comfort! I've come to realise that the Spirit really lives i me and does how He pleases. He will decide my gifts and I have no say in that, but this week has scared me. My fellow FP guys have really encouraged me, and though I have not always taken the compliments well, I really appreciate it. I'd like to especially thank Amanda, Neal, Fi, Mark, Andy, Louisa and Pete. Your comments have really stuck with me.

What I've come to realise though is that the Spirit might want to use me, in areas that require responsability, and this has inadvertently brought up a fear in me. I didn't realise, but I'm scared of responsability, because I haven't had people have faith in me before, I've often been told I'm not good enough. From the moment my school teacher Mrs. Coulthard said "I wouldn't trust you as far as I can throw you," to not hearing affirmation from my father that he believed in me often enough. If your reading this dad, I love you loads anyway and don't hold this against you. What this has done though has left me unable to know how to accept responsibility. When I've been given it I've crumbled. As a fundraiser I was told I'd be made team leader in two weeks if I kept doing what I was doing, as soon as I heard that my numbers plummeted and I never became a team leader. At sixth form my psychology teacher said I was his best student and was sure I'd get an A. I bummed out at C. At university I was easily on course for a 1st in second year, but again ended up with a 3rd.

Now the dilemma I face is I can feel the Spirit starting to use me, and I hear people saying to me I am gifted, and it triggers in me a negative reaction, which isn't what I want, but what I feel. I feel like a confident guy, but then being an important guy is a whole different ball game. I guess it really scares me that God has faith in me.

I will allow the Spirit to work in me, and I will not allow the devil to use the negativity of my past to stop the Spirit working in me, and I thank God for helping me notice something in myself I'd never realised was a problem, but I ask you guys, especially FP guys to get alongside me and encourage me like you faithfully have, as I will need it. If I look uncomfortable with a compliment force me to enjoy and accept it.

Thank you for reading,